Okay, so I realize some people LIKE to start their day in the wee hours of the morning, but others of us refer to that time as “the middle of the night.”  So seriously…why oh why am I awake?  I am really not going to like this later today.  (Ha—as if I like it now?!)

I tried (clearly in vain) to go back to sleep, but finally have given up and decided to purge my mind of all that is swimming around in there.  Well, maybe not all—but a few things anyway.  Although I suddenly seem to have forgotten what it was I planned to say.  Go figure.

Anyway…I have been contemplating lately (as in the last couple days) my tendency to be emotionally fickle.  Maybe it’s a female thing, but my emotions can change on a dime!  Or, as someone who shall remain nameless but who lives with me said (with a smile, of course):  “They change on a hay-penny.”  Apparently my emotions do not even get the time a dime (or even a whole penny!)  provides.  🙂

Clearly, I am married to a great man.  I mean, if he can put up with the fickleness of this female’s unpredictable (emphasis on unpredictable!) emotions and not have killed or maimed anyone yet (namely, me)—well, that is definitely saying something about his level of patience, stability and overall compassion.  But in all seriousness (or at least as serious as I get), God really did give me an amazing gift in Matt.  (And while, admittedly, I do not always feel this way, it IS always true.)  🙂

It is so great for me to watch him embrace his role in our new church.  There are so many ways God has gifted him in dealing with situations and people. And the level of discernment and perception he has been granted is remarkable.   I am so proud of him!  (And I honestly just sometimes forget about these things—or just don’t always see them given how sometimes my vision blurs.  I am sure I am the only wife this happens to….)

I love, love, love seeing him in a job that is life-giving to him, especially after the last few years.  It is so fun for me to watch him already begin to thrive in our new location and his new role, and to enjoy these fresh moments of knowing that we are where we were designed to be.  God has truly gifted him.

But back to my emotions…this blog IS—after all—all about ME.  🙂

I confuse even myself sometimes.  I mean, I can be riding along this road called life feeling perfectly okay with it all—almost content even—and then it can change just like (insert finger snap) that!  And I am not talking about the kind of “tangible” (so to speak) change that comes from a move or a life-altering phone call.  I mean the snap of some invisible string inside me that takes me from enjoying sweet life moments to nearly bursting into tears.  What is up with that?!  Please do not tell me I am the only female/person who experiences this.  (And no, I do not have any {noteworthy} mental or emotional disorders.) 🙂

I merely have what I have decided to call “ongoing heartache.”  As I have contemplated my ever-changing emotions, I realized that at least some of them are tied to my constant heartache.  This is not to say I am sad all the time.  It simply means that I am living life with holes in my heart.  We all are, really—to varying degrees and circumstances.  And we all respond to the emotions that stem from that ache differently.  Some of us even respond differently from one day to the next.  (My poor family!)

There is that “God-shaped hole” (as the song says) we all share.  That one can be filled should we choose to invite God to live there.  But even then, it will not be complete this side of Heaven.  Even it aches sometimes as we long to be at “home” with Jesus, reveling in the presence of God.

As much as I would love to say that it is the yearning for Heaven that causes me noticeable heartburn, the aches that typically cause my emotional schizophrenia are the holes of loss, grief, and hopes deferred; unrealized desires and out-of-my-control events.  In other words, my emotions are flighty because I focus on my situation rather than my Savior.  This is not to discount my emotions or the stings of this life that prick my heart and dig those holes. But it is to say that I should not allow those aches to become the focus of my life and eat away at my heart.  Instead I should ride the waves of that heartache to the feet of Jesus and allow Him to soothe my pain.  But I so often choose to wallow in it instead.  I think I am probably more often like a pig bathing in the mud than a sheep following a shepherd.

I could not say exactly why that is.  Maybe the pain seems too severe to be soothed; maybe I find solace in self-pity.  Or maybe I am afraid to trust Jesus to heal my hurt because I know it means surrendering my desires.   And I am just not sure I am there yet even though I am made to be.

How about you?  Do you choose to bathe in the mud?  Or do you bask in the presence of The Shepherd?